One Girl Blog
WHAT WOULD IRIS SAY? WISE WORDS FROM AN ICON.
Last night, I spent an enjoyable hour or so in the presence of fashion icon, art collector, quintessential New Yorker and 93-year-old “It Girl,” Iris Apfel. No, it wasn’t at a TED talk or even face-to-face (alas). It was at a showing of “IRIS,” one of the last films directed by Albert Maysles (he died in March) and it is a tribute both to the documentarian’s art and his subject’s singular personality, taste and vision.
The sheer richness of Apfel’s fashion and home furnishings collections and her unerring combinations of couture and kitsch are remarkable enough but the lessons here go way beyond aesthetics. What gives meaning to her life (and depth to this film) is her old-fashioned work ethic (she grew up during the Great Depression), love for her husband (a centenarian) and a self-renewing desire to share her knowledge with new generations of students and acolytes of art and style.
Four “Iris-isms” to live by:
"If you’re lucky enough to do something you love, everything else follows.
"I don’t have any rules because I would always be breaking them so it would be a waste of time…I like to improvise. It’s like jazz.
"It’s better to be happy than well-dressed.
"People say that I inspire them. That I give them courage to do things they’ve never done before."
See IRIS and be inspired. Be inspiring in your turn. Most importantly, have the courage to be your best, most authentic { self }.
Tags Iris Apfel, Albert Maysles, fashion
WHAT HOME IMPROVEMENT TAUGHT ME ABOUT { SELF } IMPROVEMENT
As readers of this blog know, this is the year of the house. I have been re-purposing, refining and restoring. Decluttering (or, as Gwyneth Paltrow might say, “consciously un-coupling”) from stuff. It’s been cathartic and calming to bring order out of chaos when the possessions that truly matter to my life now find a new, clean home at last.
There have been other, subtler discoveries as well. Lessons that go way beyond any wisdom you can acquire on HGTV or your favorite shelter blogs. For example:
Trust. Know what you don’t know and cultivate a circle of advisors whose insights and experience you can trust—whether it’s developing a workout plan or laying out a kitchen. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t understand.” Someone secure in his/her knowledge will be happy to break it down for you so that you can be more informed and confident in your choices. Remember this and pay it forward.
Values. Not to be confused with opinions. You can change your mind about a couch (mid-century modern vs shabby chic), but not about, say, where it’s manufactured. If a living wage and humane working/living/producing conditions are important to you, read the labels—for furniture as well as food stuffs (locally made vs factory farmed). Buy according to your values and go with sources you can live with in good conscience.
Inner strength. My first contractor came highly recommended and the examples in his portfolio seemed first rate. Unfortunately, he turned out to be undependable and a diva besides, so in the end I had to summon up the courage to let him go. We’ve all been on the receiving end of bad news, but learning how to give it with firmness and kindness is a skill we all need to learn—on the job or at home. And there are times when knowing and advocating for your interests is critical to your well-being.
Attention to detail. I bought what I thought was the perfect washer-dryer but learned the day before delivery that the freight company would only drop it at the curb and no further. It was up to the homeowner to get it into the house. I think not. It was only after I cancelled the order (and paid a stockage fee) that I saw that this was standard procedure. White glove service, which no one had told me about, cost extra. So it pays to read the small print even if you think you know the answer in advance. A few minutes of mindfulness in all things can save you weeks of pain.
Patience is not one of my virtues. I’ve been thinking about these home improvements for years so of course I want it all done yesterday. But I have learned that plucking at someone’s sleeve, asking “When will this be finished, do you think?” is unhelpful and kind of rude. Nagging never works—whether it’s your kids or your colleagues. Unless there’s a strict deadline, let people work at their pace not yours, and step in only when necessary. If you’re the project manager (as we all are to one degree or another in our lives), manage. Don’t do.
Gratitude. I am lucky to do the work I do with the clients I have and that gives me the freedom and resources to take on this adventure. Any inconvenience is one I’ve brought on myself through thoughtlessness or inattention. I am grateful to the home improvement team in whom I’ve entrusted my house and sanity. Whenever you can, say “thank you” early and often to the universe and those who support your world.
LET THEM EAT CAKE?
The French word for diet is “régime.” (Faire un régime = to go on a diet.) So what better place for a “régime change” than France, the land of haute couture, which now has turned its attention to “dangerously thin models, websites that promote unhealthy weight loss, and commercial photographs that digitally alter the appearance of models’ weight.”
Vive la France, right?
It’s certainly a step in the right direction. Anorexia (and the websites that promote it) is a health threat and not just in France. Extreme photoshop fails would be funny if they were not so pernicious. A little industry self-monitoring is a good thing.
But why stop with the models who, after all, are just trying to make a living? Why not go to the source—the designers themselves, whose traditional aesthetic demands a body shape with little more heft than a clothes hanger? Or the retailers that, for the most part, make any woman whose size is in the double digits feel like she’s taking up too much space?
We are so used to mostly white, flat-chested, mini-hipped teenagers strutting on the runway that we don’t think twice about the message it sends. How it undermines not just our physical health but our self-esteem. (We can never measure up.) How mothers judging their own bodies (and age) pass on their discontent to their daughters who, no doubt, will perpetuate the same warped view to their girls…unless we take a different approach. One that encourages us to find and celebrate our own healthful beauty, to see past the scrim of fantasy, stylists and digital enhancements and simply to appreciate the art for art’s sake that Fashion Week bring to our every day life.
So, by all means, let’s bring some sanity to this rarefied world. But remember, it’s just clothes. Not a value judgment on your beautiful { self }.
WHY A HEALTH COACH CAN BE YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND
Health apps are hot. I have several and they are all great in their way (when I remember to use them). They all keep me accountable to myself and my goals within reach, but even in our high-tech world, nothing beats the high-touch impact of a real live human coach.
What is a health coach and why do you need one?
1. A health coach is a “guide on the side,” who empowers you to “heal yourself by yourself.” A mentor, who supports you as you do the hard mental work to uncover the barriers standing in the way of your goals whatever they may be: weight loss, career change, greater fitness, emotional joy. A trainer, who helps you develop smarter habits of mind and body.
2. A health coach is an accountability partner. It’s very easy to make resolutions. A coach can help you keep them by reviewing your progress (or setbacks) with a regular schedule of conversations and finding solutions you can live with throughout the year.
3. A health coach can be the link between you and your doctor, nutritionist, trainers or other healers helping you understand the treatment plan (so you can follow it) and make healthful eating and exercise choices (so you can make them a natural part of your life).
4. A health coach can be a friend, a kick in the pants, a transformation agent—nurturing when you need it, encouraging when you falter, cheering your success. A good coach listens more than she speaks and provides a safe space where you can hear yourself think and uncover the solutions that are right for you.
Change is hard. Staying motivated can be even harder. With a health coach at your side, you never walk alone.
Tags health coach
MAKING A CHANGE
In the past year, I went back to school, graduated with a certificate in integrative nutrition, wrote and self-published a book (Fat Girl), launched One Girl Wellness, saw my son, “the millennial,” move out and on to a new chapter in his life all while keeping my advertising clients happy. You could say I thrive on change. (Or else have a really low threshold for boredom.)
So what did I do for an encore? I decided to re-do my house. Every room is getting updated, refreshed, re-purposed. For starters, I made one small change in my bedroom and suddenly got totally turned around. What’s that all about? How did my mental equilibrium get so upended by something so seemingly minor?
Turns out that making a change—big or small—takes us out of our comfort zones and away from familiar routines. And that causes stress. Things that we took for granted are suddenly not where we expect them to be and our emotional proprioception takes a hit. We feel insecure on our feet and in our heads when our reality takes on a different hue and dimension.
Whether it’s starting a job, ending a relationship or moving a chest from one wall to another, letting go of the past opens you up to embracing a new future, free from old expectations and reactions. It can be scary or liberating, depending on your point of view.
Complacency is the enemy of growth and nothing spurs growth like change. So take a deep breath and go for it.
Home improvement starts with you.
Tags change
HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL?
Who’s the pretty girl in the mirror? “Not me,” I can hear you saying. According to Glamour.com, “women experience an average of 13 negative thoughts about their body each day, while 97% admit to having at least one ‘I hate my body’ moment.”
But wait, there’s more:
- 42% of first- to third-grade girls want to be thinner. 81% are afraid of getting fat. (Dove) We're talking eight-year-olds here.
- Among fifth- to 12th-grade girls, 47% wanted to lose weight because of magazine pictures and 69% said that magazines influenced their idea of what the perfect body looked like. (USA Today)
- Yet only 5% of American women naturally have the ideal body type portrayed in ads. (The Renfrew Center Foundation for Eating Disorders)
- 50% of commercials directed to women emphasize physical attractiveness. The average adolescent views over 5000 of these ads annually. (Radar Programs)
Is it any wonder that women excel in dieting and self-loathing? That we are at war with food, our bodies and ourselves?
How can we break the cycle? In a word: “body self-compassion,” Dr. Jean Fain’s prescription for transforming bad eating habits and body image.
Self-compassion requires mindful awareness (paying attention to the here and now—what you are doing and feeling in the moment); loving-kindness (seeing and treating yourself as worthy of love) and common humanity (surrounding yourself with a community of support).
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you see yourself through rose-colored glasses. But it does mean that you take the time to see yourself as you realistically are and embrace your whole self, not just your appearance. It means cutting yourself some slack when you falter. It means paying attention to physical and emotional cues around food without being judgmental and manifesting your inner strength to create the outcome you desire--greater self-acceptance and self-empowerment, decreased depression and disordered eating--and can control (rather than being a victim of external influences that drag you down.).
As Maya Angelou famously said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Starting with your { self }.
Tags self-compassion, body image
WHAT’S YOUR GO-TO MANTRA?
As we were transitioning from one exercise to another in [solidcore] the other day (yes, this is more work-out wisdom), I got overwhelmed. I couldn’t tell one foot from the other and was just about out of endurance. I thought to myself: “I can’t do this. I’m going to fall over. I. Just. Can’t.” And instantly, the other part of my brain (the part still getting oxygen apparently) said, “Oh, yes, you can. Place your foot on that carriage, engage your core and you can do it.”
Reader, I did it.
Later, walking home on legs shaking with fatigue, I wondered how many times we hear these negative messages in our heads. The self-defeating mantras we recite automatically when confronted with a new challenge or a situation that takes us out of our comfort zone. The “I’m too fat…too old…not good enough…not clever enough” to wear this dress, go for that promotion, assert my wishes” (fill in the blank) statements.
As that delightful Geico commercial shows, “words can hurt.” They can leave damage that holds you back from going after what you can do and what you deserve. They make you feel bad about yourself, your body or your capabilities by reinforcing your worst fears or opinions. Holding you prisoner in a jail of your own making.
How to escape? Be mindful of negative messages. Deconstruct what triggers them and whether or not there’s truth in what you say to yourself. If there is, figure out a solution to the problem. If not, work on ways to overcome what’s basically lazy default thinking that leads to self-sabotaging behaviors. If you’re going to tell a story about yourself, make sure it has a happy outcome!
Can you do this?
Oh, yes. You. Can.
Tags negativity, mindfulness
WHAT’S { SELF } LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
Valentine's Day has a lot to answer for. If you are in a happy partnership, it’s a wonderful day. If you’re not, it can be awkward, sad or simply something to endure as painlessly as possible.
But what if we were to reframe the sentiment of the occasion? Instead of looking for love in other places, from other people, we found it in ourselves. If we showed ourselves the same love, respect and affection we ordinarily—and typically—might bestow on someone else.
What if we celebrated what’s good about ourselves (for a change) and took a holiday from self-criticism and self-judgment?
What if we practiced a little self-love—on this day and every day? How would that change our state of mind?
Some tips for getting started:
1. Commit to self-care. Your body is a work of art. Treat it with the respect and awe it deserves. Practice good “fit-rition:” eat good-for-you foods, savor every bite and work in a work out every day. (It doesn’t have to be an hour!) And a mani-pedi or other self-indulgence couldn’t hurt.
2. Love the one you’re with (with starting with yourself). Live your life according to your values, not someone else’s. Do your best and be as proud as you can be of your work at the end of the day. There may always be setbacks but don’t beat yourself up about them. Ask instead: why is this happening for me? What can I learn?
3. Live with passion. Physical, emotional, intellectual. Go full out for what or who you believe in, care about, love. All that positive energy will come back to you.
4. Be your best self, the person you’d most like to spend time with. When you are authentically you (not some pale imitation of someone else), you attract those who mirror your best qualities and create synergy that spreads the good vibes outward.
Diamonds may be forever, but healthy self-love can help you live happily every after.
And while we’re on the subject, fall in love with “Fat Girl.” Our new e-book, on sale now.
Tags Valentine's Day, self-love, "Fat Girl"
FIVE WAYS TO FIND YOUR VOICE
How do you find your voice in the din of the marketplace? How do you use your craft to tell a familiar story in new, unexpected ways? How do you reconcile the desire to stand out with the pull of fame? These are some of the questions asked and answered in a beautiful performance documentary, “American Voices,” created and hosted by Renee Fleming and featuring “vocal masters and industry titans” as they coach and mentor “emerging artists” in sessions that are as inspiring as they are instructive.
Not an artist? Not to worry. You can still learn from the masters. Here are some tips to creating a voice worth listening to—at work, at home, in life.
1. Your voice is your brand. Does it reflect your best self? Make sure your vocal tone, your body language and self-expression communicate the persona you want to project.
2. Stop comparing yourself to how great you think somebody else is. That just makes you feel insignificant and unimportant. Instead, express yourself as truthfully as you can. That’s how you grow.
3. The last thing you want to be is generic. Assert your individuality and opinions without the need for external validation or approval. (In other words, don’t muffle your voice in deference to others.)
4. Observe and learn from others, but create your own style--one that’s true to your own personal and professional values.
5. Never be the accompanist to the accompanist. (I love this.) Control your moment and the message and lead others where you want them to go.
Your voice is your instrument to make a difference in your world. However you use it, express yourself with art, skill and strength.
How will you use your voice today?
Tags voice, personal brand
STRETCHING HURTS. AND THAT’S A GOOD THING.
I had an epiphany the other day, in a Pilates class of all places. We were doing a series of stretches (one of my least favorite things) and I was surprised by how much they hurt. Not as pain exactly but in a pushing-my muscles-til-they-snap kind of way. Which was exactly the point. According to the instructor, an effective stretch isn’t supposed to feel good while you’re doing it (contrary to what I had thought). It feels good after you’re done. When you’re looser and more open.
Stretching is an intentional move that makes you push through temporary discomfort to get to a better place and over time build the necessary flexibility that reshapes the body and strengthens the core. It’s not meant to be a feel-good move but a transformative one.
And then it struck me. To become our strongest selves, to re-shape our minds and support our emotional core, we need to reach for the same spiritual looseness and openness to behavioral change. To push ourselves beyond our comfort zones and do the mental work that breaks through the inflexible thinking that keeps us stuck in old, self-sabotaging habits. Whether it’s changing how we think about food, body image or our own self worth, it pays to stretch through the pain to greater strength and resilience. Even though it’s hard and even when it hurts.
In yet another workout (solidcore), there’s a sign on the floor that says “remember why you came to class…keep pushing.”
In other words, don’t forget to stretch.
How do you plan to stretch yourself in 2015?
Tags stretching, emotional growth