One Girl Blog
LISTENING IS POWERFUL
This past Saturday, I spent several hours with Esther Boykin of Sidewalk Talk DC, the local branch of a national nonprofit created to “nurture a culture of kindness and empathy through compassionate non-judgmental listening.” It’s as simple and profound as that.
We met at a Starbucks in Haymarket (VA) and once the table was set up, people slowly made their way over to talk about whatever was on their minds—from dealing with family issues to getting their car towed. (Think NPR’s Story Corps meets street performance art). Each session lasted no more than ten minutes but the emotional impact on listener and "listenee" was surprisingly powerful. It’s true what they say: when you do a kindness for someone else, it comes back and returns the favor.
How can you bring more listening into your life?
- First, volunteer with Sidewalk Talk. There are events all over the DC/MD/VA area (and around the country) so register, get trained and go forth and listen. (See our Facebook page for photos.)
- Be present for others. Put down those devices, stop multi-tasking (I’m guilty of this too), and devote some time to truly engaging and connecting one-on-one with another person in that moment. Hear what they’re saying, listen for the subtext and respond. Allowing someone to talk without interruption or saying “here’s what you should do” is a gift.
- Listen to yourself. Don’t dismiss your feelings or emotions when things go wrong. Or right. Listen to your body and give it the care and nourishment it deserves. Show yourself some lovingkindness.
Do it for others. Do it for your { self }. Open your heart and listen.
Tags listening, Sidewalk Talk
MOTHER’S DAY--IT’S COMPLICATED
It’s your very first relationship. The one you keep trying to re-create. Or make right. This Mother’s Day, take a break from perfection, the what-ifs and what-might-have-beens, and honor the qualities you love most about your mom—or any special woman in your life.
Including your { self }.
Tags Mother's Day
WHAT JEB! CAN TEACH US ABOUT NUTRITION AND HEALTH
I know, I know, I’m a little late with this. Jeb! is long out of the presidential race. But whatever you might think of him as a candidate, he’s done us all a favor by proving—yet again—that “diets” don’t work.
You may remember the story. Jeb! ran on a platform of…paleo. In that, at least, he succeeded. Everyone raved about his discipline and 40-pound weight loss. However, his lean and hungry look left him grumpy and, as Donald Trump meanly pointed out, “low energy.” Not a winning proposition.
What can we learn from Jeb!’s unfortunate experience? Don’t try a short-term fix for a problem that needs a life-long solution. Before you plan for a wedding, a reunion, a political campaign or the coming week, spend some time getting to know yourself and developing an eating and fitness plan that supports your health, vitality and state of mind for the long term.
Here’s the deal: there is no one diet/eating plan for every body. We are all different—from food preferences to gut microbes, so what works for one person may lead to totally abysmal results for someone else. Plus an externally imposed program that doesn’t account for your bioindividuality is simply not sustainable.
What does work?
1. Eating what you like. Cook healthier versions of your favorite dishes, using the best ingredients you can afford.
2. Watching your portion size. You can have too much of a good thing and you cannot work it all off with exercise.
3. Practicing good fit-trition. Find workouts that enhance muscle strength, cardio and flexibility. And incorporate activity into your daily life—stairs not elevators, walking around the block not eating at your desk, a five minute run or stretch.
4. Fighting cravings with the 80/20 rule. Eat “right” 80% of the time and add in “treats” 20% of the time. A good way to move up to healthier eating 100% of the time.
5. Finding balance with mindful meditation. Take the time to get in touch with what your body and mind are telling you and write it down. The more you know about your body and your motivations, the better you can refine your behaviors.
And become your strongest { self }.
Tags Jeb!, Trump, diets, bioindividuality
TAKE A BREATH
Last month, we talked about finding the courage within to pursue our dreams. But what happens when it’s not a question of “are you brave enough?” but “can you manage your fear?” When you’re in the grips of, say, a full-blown anxiety attack?
Fear is a healthy response to an actual, immediate danger. Your body revs up in preparation for fight or flight while your mind focuses intently on the threat and, in a split second, decides how to react.
Anxiety is your response to an anticipated threat, something that hasn’t even happened yet—an exam, a presentation, a meeting with your accountant, the unknown. Your heart races, your muscles tense and you prepare for…what exactly?
Worry comes from the Old English word for “strangle” and when you live in a chronic state of high anxiety, you may feel the fear literally gripping you by the throat. You can’t breathe much less deal with the here and now. Fear steals your present and wears you down.
So next time you feel the panic stirring, do this:
STOP: Become mindful of your thoughts. Ask yourself if they’re real or possible or if they’re simply the result of your fevered imagination and self-doubt.
LOOK: Drop into your body and take note of your physical reactions. Consciously slow your breathing and unclench your body.
LISTEN: Hear what your body and mind are telling you and give yourself some care and reassurance. Sometimes it helps to just place your hand on your heart and say out loud: “It’s ok. You’re ok. It’s going to be alright.” (For some reason, talking to yourself in the second person helps.)
Accept your vulnerability. Take a breath. Find strength and comfort in your best { self }.
Tags panic attacks
GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU
"I hab a code." Actually, I have the flu, with an array of symptoms so vast and intense I could star in my very own Tamiflu spot. And because I rarely get sick, I take it as a personal affront so I fight it. For every nap I take, I think what else could I be doing with this time? (P.S. It’s a weekend.) For every appointment I cancel, I feel as if I’m letting myself or others down. I refuse to “give in” and take a break.
When I was a little girl, I didn’t do this. Yes, I worried about missing school but that paled when compared to my few days at home. I got homemade chicken soup and applesauce from my grandmother and a facial and manicure from my mother. Hours and hours with my dog in my bed, reading or watching daytime TV. It was heaven.
As adults, our lives don’t permit such self-indulgences. (And for some, the notion of sick days is, sadly, inconceivable.) But there’s no reason we can’t do better about getting better. It’s really OK to take a moment and recharge. To support your immune system with healthy comfort foods. To give your monkey-mind a rest.
So next time the flu, a cold or exhaustion knocks you out, do the smart thing and treat yourself with kindness. Take naps and distract yourself with some mindless entertainment. It’s just what the doctor—and One Girl Wellness—ordered.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking my dog and going back to bed.
Tags self-care
WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
This past Sunday, I spent the day at a workshop led by my awesome mentor, Karen Schachter. For eight hours, 50 women explored what it means to be “brave,” to identify our true desire and find the courage to go after it. There was laughter, tears, some mildly frank language and lots of “hiving”—how Karen describes deep, limbic, healing connection.
For a newcomer to group hugs (where have I been?!), it was an extraordinary experience and it made me wonder: why do we hold ourselves back? Why do we play yes-(wo)men to others’ dreams and ambitions but say no our own?
What are we so afraid of?
Call it culture. Call it tradition. Call it upbringing. We learn early that it’s not ladylike to promote ourselves. That when we’re good at something (or many things), talking about it will make someone else feel bad (as though somehow we have control over others’ state of mind). That wanting for ourselves is wrong.
Desire denied feeds fear. Fear of disappointment, hurting others, failure. We fear our own success. We’re afraid of not being perfect, of living up to our own or others’ standards or expectations.
We get in our own way. Stuck.
Don’t go there! Get over your sweet { self } and go after your dreams. Hold on to them even when there are setbacks. Take one small step after the other and move forward. You are stronger and more worthy than you think. You can do it.
In the words of one of our greatest presidents, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
THE SWEET SPOT
Your brain called. It wants some sugar. STAT. It doesn’t have to taste sweet; in fact, it can be tasteless or horrid, but calories are what it’s craving.
Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? But thanks to recent Yale University study, we now know that the brain looks at taste and calorie counts in very different ways. According to the lead scientist, “If the brain is given the choice between pleasant taste and no energy, or unpleasant taste and energy, the brain picks energy.” (Calories are measures of energy.)
Our “sweet tooth” is actually a survival mechanism, designed to keep our (big) brain fed and energized. We are “hard-wired to prioritize calorie seeking over taste or quality.” Which may be why we crave a sugary snack in the middle of the afternoon.
The authors of the study hope the findings will lead to new strategies aimed at curbing excess sugar consumption. But you already know what to do: listen to your body and give it what it needs--clean whole foods (including carbs), water and activities that support physical and emotional health.
So you can be your very best and brainiest { self }.
EAT, THINK, LOVE
Readers of One Girl blog know that our focus is not on what you eat, but why. The words “Drink two smoothies and call me in the morning” will never fall from our lips or laptop.
We’re all about helping you understand yourself better—your motivations, your emotions, your actions—so you can ditch those unhealthy habits that are making you unhappy and find a more fulfilling path to the table and beyond.
What we do say is this:
1. There is no one quite like you. You are unique. Your tastes, your preferences, your physical constitution, your biome. Give your mind and body the attention they deserve and learn what foods make you feel good (or not) and what motivates you to make the choices you do. Keep a food and mood diary to track your appetite (physical and emotional) and take note of the triggers that lead you astray. (A health coach can help you with this heavy lifting.)
2. Take a breath. Approach your next meal with gratitude, not greed. Be mindful of what you’re eating and savor every bite. As our friends at The Center for Mindful Eating say, “Healthy eating is enjoyable eating that meets your nutritional needs.” It’s that simple.
3. Get smart about food and nutrition. Don’t fall for the diet du jour. Read labels. Be skeptical about “magical thinking” around weight loss or health. Learn a little about how your body works so you can measure too-good-to-be true claims against evidence-based science.
4. Love who you are in this moment. Accept and respect who you are today, not sometime in the undetermined future when you are “thinner” or “fitter.” Give yourself the unconditional love that nourishes you and your dreams.
There’s no time like the present to appreciate your best { self }.
Tags healthy living
GET READY, GO, SET YOUR INTENTION
This time of year seems to bring out the Puritan in everyone. After the glorious excesses of the holiday season, it’s time to “repent” and turn away from rich food and drink and re-commit to healthier habits, greater mindfulness and good works.
While there’s something appealing about this mother of all fresh starts, keeping those resolutions going past January 31 takes some serious work. Some tips:
1. First, set your intention. Take some time to think about what you want to improve or change. Is it diet? Fitness (physical or fiscal)? Career? Your social life? Ask yourself why do you want to make this change? And why now? What’s your motivation? If you can understand what’s driving this decision, it’s easier to keep your resolve—and your eyes on the prize—when times get tough (and they will).
2. Don’t overpromise. It’s great to be aspirational, but be realistic. Rather than say, “I’m going to lose weight…find a new job…exercise every day…” break the bigger goal into smaller, more measurable and achievable steps (e.g. substitute water for soda, build stamina by walking more, find classes that can advance your career or develop new interests). Build on each goal and review your progress.
3. Stay accountable. To yourself, if no one else. A food/mood diary is an excellent way to track your appetite and the triggers that push you off course. A stream-of-consciousness morning journal frees your mind for the day and helps you identify behaviors you may want to change—or keep. As I tell my clients, I don’t have to see what you write but it’s in the writing that you find wisdom.
4. Forgive yourself if you don’t always make your goals. It’s not the mistake; it’s the recovery that counts. What happened, what did you do in response and what can you learn from this experience?
5. Reward yourself. Change is hard. And a little self indulgence (fresh flowers, a new mascara(!), a walk around the block, making time for a friend or hobby you love) can go a long way in restoring balance and joy.
We’ve resolved to bring you lots of new programs to help you find your best { self } in 2016. So stay tuned. And let us know what you hope to accomplish in the new year.
LETTING GO
My son is flying to Cairo (Egypt) tomorrow, return date unknown. It is potentially a great career move for him—a percussionist, who often accompanies his girlfriend, an accomplished belly dancer, in performances and workshops around the world. He’s also making a documentary about their travels.
For me, it’s pretty much a disaster. As much as I intellectually understand the impulse and the rationale behind the move, as much as I want to celebrate their adventuring spirit and talent, I just can’t. I am torn between fear for their safety and anger that they’re putting their lives at risk. He is my only child. My only family.
And there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to change their minds or their plans. For a parent, that’s a devastating realization. I cannot love him into doing what I want—choose a safer path. (Not forever, just for now.) I cannot make him see things the right way. Um, my way.
So I have to let go. I have to trust that their sponsors and fixers and other patrons in Egypt will do their part and protect my son and his girlfriend (who, by the way, have organized their trip down to the very last strategic detail).
Trust is hard for me. Vulnerability is not something I do well. Catastrophic thinking, on the other hand, is my special skill. I have to let that go too, move well beyond my comfort zone and get over my sweet self so I can endure with grace, if not acceptance, what I cannot control.
To keep my sanity and health, I’m doing what I’d recommend to any of you in a similar situation--practicing mindfulness and maitri (self-compassion), staying active (thank you, Pure Barre!), keeping very, very busy.
Last night, I cooked a farewell dinner of their favorite foods. And will prepare it again when they return. Inshallah. It’s all I can do. Let them go with love and move on.
His name is Marshall. Her name is Claire. Please keep them--and all the world's innocents--in your thoughts.
Tags acceptance, family